What is going on in my mind?!

Today I did, what I am calling week 4a, day 2 of the Couch-to-5K program. I didn't really feel like it but I skipped yesterday because my shin splints were killing me. So, after a little lunch (my "lunch" is usually around 8am but today I went to Wal-Mart & I didn't end up eating till about 9 am) I closed my computer, grabbed my water & mp3 player, laced up my shoes, threw on my sports bra & another shirt (that didn't fit when I bought it, by the way) & headed out the door before I could give myself time to argue myself out of doing it today (a little trick that I've learned, don't even give yourself the opportunity to think about it or you will talk yourself out of it, just get up & go without thinking). Anway, I was walking to my apartment's gym to "jog" on the treadmill here since I'm still not confident enough to do it in the public gym. In order to get to the "gym," or anything else for that matter, you have to go through the pool area or treck through the soggy & muddy grass/mud to get to the office & go through that way. Well, typical to how my day pretty much went & how this stupid apartment complex it getting to be, the gate to the pool area was locked. Great! This is really beginning to get irritating. Everytime I ask them about this they give me some "cock & bull" runaround story that doesn't make sense, & I'm so freakin' nice & agreeable I don't call them out on it. (By the way, is "cock & bull" profanity? I'm not sure...sorry if it is.) Anyway, since they are "reseeding" our "lawns" there is hardly any grass left. The "trail" to the office is one of the lowest points of the complex so all the water from the sprinkler systems seems to drain in this area. Thus, creating a muddy mess.

So, what does this nice Christian girl do?

She enters without wiping her shoes, tracking mud & grass all accross the apartment office, from one door to the other.

That'll show them. You don't mess with Kristy. Take that, you so-called "office managers." Oh yeah. I totally "brought it."

Very Christian, I know.

Anway, I got on the treadmil hoping to use this irritation to my advantage & get a really good "run" in. Well, I ran my first 3 min. Not too bad but not as easy as I was expecting. Then I ran the first segment of 5 min. I had to step on the sides of the treadmill for about 2 or 3 seconds about twice this time. You're really going down hill, Kristy. Then I started running the second set of 3 min. This one I made but I was really struggling. The last 5 min I did about 3 min of it. It seemed easier at first but then it really kicked in. As I was turning the speed down, I was mentally screaming at myself, "What are you doing?! You can do 2 more min.! It is only 2 more min.! Why are you quiting?! You're not even that tired! You're not even sweating that bad! You are such a looser! You're never going to finish this program! You might as well stop now. You probably aren't physically able to run more than 5 min." This went on forever.

What is more amazing is that most of the scales that I have stepped on this week are saying that I'm under 200 lbs now. (It's not official but still.) So why am I feeling like such a failure all of a sudden? Like I can't do this? I'm proving every day that I can do this but today I start to question myself? What is going on? Is Satan sending demons of self-loathing & doubt to attack me today or am I just PMSing bad today. Yes, I said that for all the world to see. And, you know what? I don't care. I really don't care if you know my exact weight or when I'm about to "start." (Even though you probably already figured that out by the grassy trail left in the office.)

Anyway, back to the story. I got back to the apartment after slopping through the "yard" again & decided to take a shower, maybe that would put me in a better mood. I took the shower & then decided to have an ice bath. Yes, you read that right, it says "ice bath." This is a horrible form of self-torture that I have read about in a running magizine. It is supposed to constrict your blood vessels then when you start to warm up, the blood rushes back in carrying away the toxins & debris that has collected after a long run. Typically used on marathoners & the like but right now, 5 min might as well be a marathon to me. Supposedly, it reduces the pain & swelling in you muscles. As bath was filling with cold water (that later felt like a hot tub) I ran to the freezer & got the measly amout of ice I had. I poured it into the water & sat down. Archie was watching all of this & as a banshee howl escaped from my throat, he dissappeared.

The genius that I am, decided to shave my legs during all of this because I am planning on taking a water aerobics class tonight. Yeah, that was fun. After a while the ice had finally melted but the water had drained a little bit so as the tops of my legs were no longer being covered by the artic water. I decided to add a bit more water. As the fresh water poured into the bath, I could feel the currents of warm water swirling around. You must understand that the water coming out of the spiget was as cold as I could get, but at this moment it felt like a warm breeze.

So, why would anyone subject themselves to such abuse? Well, my shin splints don't hurt near as bad as they did.

I guess the shower/bath did work a bit. I don't feel like I'm in quite a so self-defeatest mood right not. Maybe I can do this running thing. My body has adapted so far & most everybody has a hard time transitioning from week 3 to week 4. Who knows? Having said that, my trainer is teaching a water aerobics class in about 2 hrs that I am planning on going to & I'm kind of freaking out about it. "Am I going to be the fattest?" "Am I going to be the youngest/skinniest?" "Am I going to look like such a weak person that I have to take the "easy" class." "Am I going to be the worst one in class." "Am I going to drown?" "How many people are usually in this class?" I guess I'll let you guys know later. Eeek!