Water aerobics outcome

I had a good time last night. I went about 20-30 early to swim a few laps. Man am I out of practice. I never though I would be this bad at the one sport I was actually good at.

After wearing myself out with that, the class began. I had no idea water aerobics could be so hard. My trainer is the instructor & she told me this morning that she tries to make it as hard as possible because the previous instructor was too easy on them, in her opinion. Let me tell you, she did a great job if that was her goal. I never knew running in water was so difficult. My heart was pounding through the whole thing. I couldn't let these people beat me so I gave it my all through the whole class.

I was not the youngest. I was not the fattest, nor was I the skinniest. As usual, all my paranoia was for naught. One slightly annoying thing about the class is that there are windows into the main workout area. So basically we are the entertainment for those on the treadmills, ellipticals, bikes, ab machines, etc. And, they are watching, trust me. I'm sure they are just jealous of my impressive skills & physique. Hehe.

After the class, I was worn out but one of the girls I met wanted to swim laps so I told her I would swim a couple with her. This time I actually made it all the way to one end with somewhat good form. Already an improvement. That's encouraging.

Then we sat in the steam room for about 8-10 min. That is an experience. It will totally "open your head up." The next time I get a cold, I am totally going to go up there just to sit. Leigh, my trainer, told me today that if I do to put a little Vic under my nose. She said that works really well. She also told me she is a bit of a germ-a-phobe & won't go in the steam room. She said she just imagines germs floating around in that environment (moist & hot) having germ parties. Hehe. I told her I'm pretty much the opposite of a germ-a-phobe, almost to the point of being a little too lax on prevention, especially for someone who comes into contact with more that the average person, plus most of them are some of the worst you would ever want to get even near you. I think I probably have phenominal immune system. Usually when I get sick it is allergies that morph into bronchitus & not some weird disease I've caught from someone at the hospital. Now if I could just move away from the Dallas area maybe I could eliminate just about all illnesses from my year. (I never had allergies until I moved out here...I hate DFW...but that is a whole different post...maybe later when I'm feeling especially moody about living here.)

The girl I talked about earlier just moved here from Wisconsin about 3 weeks ago. I hope she comes again. If she does I may give her my email. Maybe we could become friends. That sounds so childish, I know. But she is new to the area &, from the way she talked, may be a little lonely. Maybe I'll invite her to disc golf with our singles group next Friday. Yeah, that would be a great way to get to know her.

I always feel weird starting friendships. I'm always very excited about them but, at the same time, I wonder, "Am I coming over too strong? Am I annoying to this person? How much is too much? I don't want to seem needy." I swear, it is as stressful as trying to get a date with someone. That's funny because I never do this with someone I am attracted to. I just assume that they would never be interested in me so I ignore them. Which, I'm sure, comes off as I am rude or a snob & it is just that I am so insecure. For example, there was this guy "swimming" laps next to us during our class. The girl I spoke of commented about how nice looking he was. I, being insecure & completely oblivious, had not noticed him but when she said something I said that yes he was okay. After we left the steam room, he was sitting on the edge of the hot tub. She had walked out before me. When I walked out, he smiled at me. Nothing creepy just a friendly, "oh, I've made eye contact, now I have to smile" type smile. I'm not sure what I did. I think I managed the same type of smile then quickly threw my towel around my back fat & ran (proably at a half sprint) to the women's locker rooms.

I, of course, write this off as just a friendly smile but it could have been more of a flirt for all I know. Any self-confident, single girl would have confidenly slipped into the hot tub to "continue relaxing" & started up a conversation with "Mr. Muscles." But not me. I assume that any guy like that would be totally repulsed by me, avoid being associated with me at any cost, &, if for some odd reason, was attracted to me, he must be some type of weirdo. Later, as I considered my reaction to such situations, I wondered if I came off as rude. I hope not. I certainly would not want to hurt anyone's feelings because I can't garner enough confidence in my self to be polite.

Having said that, I was very self-conscious about walking around the pool room half naked but I have to say, I feel, that I pulled it off. I did walk around with my towel slightly cammoflaging myself but I did it. And I think I did it without comming off as the nervous girl in the corner. I didn't pick the closest spot & slide into the water hoping to not be noticed. No, I walked to the farthest end of the room took my flip-flops off, set my towel down, & got in (with out too much of a splash).

The one complaint that I do have is that the pool is not that great. It doesn't get that deep, especially at the ends so doing flipturns is pretty much impossible & diving is out of the question. :P It is clearly made for water aerobics. However, they have this terrible drain cover that has this protruding piece that hurts like the dickens if you hit your foot on it.

Well, that was how I spent my Thursday night. I'll probably start doing this as a normal part of my Thursdays. I do think I will take a nap during the day before attempting it from now on, though.

Question posed about body image from Christianity Today: Christian Singles & my response

So, in a recent newsletter from Christianity Today: Singles we were asked to respond to a question. I can't really remember the exact question, &, like the idiot I am, I deleted the email before committing it to memory. Anyway, the gist of it was that they were asking about our body image & whether we thought our singleness affected it in anyway. Below is my response. My response was not chosen to be in the resulting article. I wasn't expecting that it would. I was just happy to have that little push to get me to write down these thoughts. So, if you dare to brave the dangers of Kristy's psyche, read on. :)

Letter written in response to CT's Singles newsletter on body image:

I just read the latest singles newsletter & wanted to respond to the body image question.

I have been overweight my entire life. About 5 or 6 years ago I had finally reached 200 lbs and in April of this year I weighed in at 247 lbs.

I started getting made fun of in 2nd or 3rd grade. This was a daily torture. The boys that made fun of me the most were also in my very small Sunday school class at church, so I got it there too. I changed schools in 5th grade & things got better but I still had to endure the tormenting on Sundays. During my freshman year in high school, the 2 guys who had terrorized me the most asked me to forgive them & we became very close friends. However, the psychological damage had already been done.

From my childhood until I was about 24, I struggled daily with depression & social anxiety. I had paranoid thoughts that everyone was staring at me & wondering why such a disgusting person would come to this party, shop at this store, want to be seen in public, etc... During my sophomore year in college, my mother took me to a doctor who prescribed me diet pills & a social anxiety medication. The diet pills helped for awhile but, since I didn't change my bad habits, I ended up gaining all the weight back plus a whole lot more once I stopped taking them. However, the social anxiety (SA) medication worked wonders. I finally felt somewhat comfortable going to the mall, participating in class, going to social events like weddings, etc... I finally stopped those about 4 years ago & have not had any major relapses since. I do get the occasional "flash back" feelings but I've learned to deal with them. Now, I'm not saying medications are good for everyone. I'm just saying what worked for me. I should have also been in some sort of counseling but I wasn't. I believe the drugs allowed me the chance to "quiet" my mind long enough to work through what had caused the problems in the first place.

Back to the topic of body image, even with my social anxiety/depression somewhat conquered, I continued to gain weight. I ate very fattening, unhealthy foods, never ate fruits & vegetables, & never, never exercised. In March of this year (2008), I was considering having lap band surgery. While researching (because that is what I do for fun, yes, I'm a nerd), I came across some YouTube (YT) (yes, YT, who would have guessed it?) vlogs of people documenting their journey with weight loss surgery (WLS). While watching those, I stumbled across vlogs of people who were loosing weight naturally. I figured, even if I did end up having WLS, I would have to change my eating habits & start exercising anyway, so I decided to do that first (novel idea, I know) & see what happened. So, on April 1st I joined 24 Hr Fitness, hired a personal trainer, joined SparkPeople.com, started using my Weight Watchers (WW) Online account again (for the 100th time), & joined the YT weight loss community & started making my own videos. (I have now canceled my WW account, opting for SparkPeople's calorie tracker instead, due to the fact that it is free.) Since then, I have lost about 37 lbs. That is amazing but the non-scale victories are even more mind blowing for me. I am feeling stronger everyday, I crave exercise, my blood pressure has dropped significantly, I have a new confidence I never have had, &, amazingly enough, I am inspiring other people to start considering their own health.

I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I could not have done this alone. I have prayed all my life for God to make me "skinny," fit & healthy and it has never happened. About a year ago, I started praying a little more fervently about it, but still did not have faith. I changed the way I prayed, though. I prayed for God to place in me the appetite for healthy food, a disgust for the unhealthy foods, & a desire to exercise. I believe He had done this long ago, but it was up to me to take that first step. I credit Him to leading me to this wonderful community on YouTube, which sparked my motivation. I never would have looked to YT for this sort of thing. My sister thinks it is outlandish that I am doing this vlogs with my history of SA. Just another miracle, I suppose.

I guess this really doesn't answer the question, though. So, does the fact that I'm single affect my body image? I guess, a bit. I haven't dated much & I tend to blame that a lot on my obesity but really it is probably the fact that I have never had the confidence to feel worthy of dating someone. I can't say that I don't want to loose weight so I can date but it is certainly not in the top 10 or so reasons. This is for me.

It is not only having an effect on me physically, emotionally, & psychologically, but it is also influencing me spiritually. I can finally understand the comparison made verses like I Corinthians 9:24-27, Hebrews 12:1-13, and, most importantly & my mantra while exercising, Philippians 4:13. Discipline, determination, & dedication are needed to be physically healthy but also to be spiritually healthy. I never felt I had been gifted with those things but now I am learning that those are not necessarily qualities you have or don't have, but more character traits that you cultivate & grow with each decision you make.

I have a long way to go yet, about another 60 or so pounds to my goal, but I now know that I can do it. God has enabled me but I have to make the choices. He won't just hand me my every wish on a silver platter. He wants me to work for it so I learn from the experience. People learn through hardships & trials not by getting everything they desire. He wants us to be children of character & dignity not spoiled little brats.

I know this is long & I apologize. I aspire to one day become a writer, so at times it is hard to get me to "shut up." I will probably copy this over & post it on my blog. I really don't know why I told you that. Probably just an unconscious & shameless plug for it. Sorry. Anyway, use all of this, part of it, or none of it however you like. Thanks for the opportunity & poke in the backside that I needed to actually write this down.

Kristy

Salsa: To Dip or Not To Dip (Part II)

Ok, so, did I go? Did I have fun? Did I dance the night away?

Well, yes, I went. But, the answer to the next two questions are a little more difficult. On the fun factor, it was okay. I didn't get asked to dance but that was actually a good thing. My sis & her friend, Lauren, did dance with several guys while Marsha (another friend) & I watched and awkwardly shimmied in place a bit. Marsha was asked to dance several times but she, like me, was not comfortable with the whole idea.

I was not the fattest one there (even though I felt like it) but our little group was the most modestly dressed. When I got home, I looked in the mirror & salsa-ed a little to see how stupid I actually looked & I didn't look that bad at all. For the first time in my life, I'm actually starting to think I actually look somewhat attractive, maybe even, dare I say it, sexy. Even though I say that & feel that way when I am at home, when I get out into these public situations my demons start whispering in my ear once again & the memory of the mirror is banished for the image of my body image dysmorphia. The being asked to dance thing was actually, more than likely, my own fault. First off, I was very uncomfortable just being there to begin with & I know that people can often sense that. And, secondly, when ever a guy did look my way I would quickly look else where & pretend that I never noticed him.

When I was in my first year at college, we use to go to the club & frat parties all the time & I was always dancing, but it is really weird now. During finals week of my last semester of my freshman year, we went to a frat party just about every night of that last week & since then I haven't wanted to go clubin', partyin', or bar hopping since. I guess I just got it all out of my system during that year. I guess that is a good thing.

My poor sister did have the "undesirable" chasing after her the whole night. This weirdo asked her to dance & she did, not knowing he was a weirdo at the time. He was not a good dancer. He pretty much "threw" her around. It was quite hilarious but she certainly didn't want to do that again. Then, after that, we would move to another part of the restaurant to avoid him, &, after a few mins, here he came. Again, quite hilarious but annoying at the same time.

So, will I do it again? More than likely, not. The best time of the whole dancing portion of the night was when we all took a break & went out onto the patio & just talked. Having said that, if we brought a few guy friends along with us, I might go back. I don't know, this just isn't my scene anymore. I guess I'm getting old or something. What I need to do is find me a bunch of computer geeks or gamers & get in with that crowd. That's right, I'm weird. I like the nerd life style. Sit at home, play a game, watch a movie, not have some sweaty weirdo getting all "up in my space." :) Boring, yet way more comfortable for me.

On a somewhat separate note, we ended up eating at T.G.I. Fridays. I had the, I think it was called, Firecracker Chicken. It was a grilled chicken breast with a spicy sauce on a bed of rice with steamed broccoli. The chicken was ok. I probably wouldn't get it again though. The rice I didn't like but I'm not sure why. And, as usual, I didn't eat the broccoli. There were only 400 or so calories in the whole thing & I didn't even eat all of it so, I did really well, especially for how hungry I was.

So, in all, I had a great time hanging out with Kim, Marsha, & my new friend, Lauren. All great gals. So salsa dancing isn't my thing. That's okay. Dancing isn't for everyone. YouTube vlogging isn't really for them. Everybody has their hobbies & past times that they enjoy but others may not. Everybody is different. That is one of the great things about life. If everybody looked alike & did the same things, this would be a very boring, Orwellian life. I'm thankful for such a diverse world that we live in. I'm thankful that I am different.

Salsa: To Dip or Not To Dip (Part I)

I didn't work out today but I really don't feel that bad about it. Mon & Tues I worked out for 30 min with my trainer, Mon & Wed I did about 30 min of cardio (elliptical), Tuesday I did an hour of cardio (elliptical & stationary bike), & tomorrow I've got another session with my trainer & I plan on doing at least another 30 min on the elliptical (I may do an hour depending on how I feel).

Also, kind of on topic in long stretch kind of a way, Kim has invited me to go with her & some of her friends to eat at Gloria's (Mexican food, mmmmmm) (If I do go I may eat a little something before & just get a small salad or something light) tomorrow night, followed by salsa dancing. Hummmmm. Me, salsa dancing. Someone could get injured very easily. I haven't decided if I'm going to go. I may just play it by ear.

I have two stupid & contradicting fears about the whole dancing thing. First, I'm afraid I will be the only one not asked to dance. Not that that would be all that big of a deal. It doesn't really hurt my feelings but I'm afraid other people will notice. And, not that what people think of me should really matter but, that is when the paranoia begins to kick in. I start imagining everyone is saying one of two things: "How sad. No one has asked her to dance. Let's find someone & ask him to ask her to dance." (how humiliating would that be?) or "Well, we know why she isn't being asked to dance, she's just too fat." Ahh, the life of the socially anxious.

My second fear is that I will be asked to dance. I do not know how to salsa, other than with a chip (obviously). What if I just make a big fool out of myself. I'm really good at that. How disgusting is it going to be when all of my bits start jostling around? Eeekkk!

Having said that, I have another fear that always seems to pop up during situations like that: What if one of those guys starts hitting on me? Ok, first, I am not looking for anything but, if the right kind of guy came along, I wouldn't mind going out with him. However, this is rarely the problem. If some guy does act like he likes me he usually ends up being an "undesirable." I really don't want to get into what qualifies as an "undesirable" to me, here today. Some of the main things would be, a non-Christian, a smoker, a heavy drinker, a thug, etc... There are many other things but, like I said, not here, not today.

I am not the type of girl that feeds on the attention of the opposite sex. In fact, it makes me quite nervous. I have no idea what to do, whether I am attracted to him or not. If he is one of these guys, how do I make it clear I'm not interested without being rude or hurting his feelings (& not lie)? I guess the main reason for my awkwardness when it comes to guys is my inexperience. I've only been on about 4 dates in my whole life (counting my 6 month high school "relationship" as 1 date) and only 1 of those was after high school. Even that one was about 9 1/2 yrs ago (I know, very sad, I'm a social freak).

Ahhh, boy, I have totally gone off the deep end with being pretty open & honest on this blog with what I'm about to share. You are really getting a glimpse in to the psyche of Kristy (ha, that kind of rhymes).

Along with the whole boy/girl topic (man, how did I get on this?), there is the issue of flirting. Now, I'm not talking about the tactless ogling, batting eyes, drooling, & smiling to the point of nerve damage that many girls seem to have majored in; I'm talking about the showing of the opposite sex that you are interested. I am crap at that. I have a paradox going off in my mind at the very thought of attempting to flirt. My thought is, "I don't want to flirt because he may think I like him." Yes, I'm being totally honest, that is really how I feel. I told you, I don't make sense; a total paradox. No matter how much I try to logically work this out in my mind, I still come back to the thoughts that if they guy or his friends think I like him they are going to run off into a corner & laugh about it. Like, "How could this girl ever think she had a chance with me?" Yes, I should be in therapy.

I'm not saying any of this to get any kind of sympathy or anything like that. I'm just trying to be honest & evaluate my life for what it is. Like I've said before, this is just a document of my thoughts, my life, etc... I don't do this for any other reason. If someone finds any humor, motivation, inspiration, interest, etc out of this then that is just an extra bonus.

So, will Kristy eat Mexican, will she brave the dance floor, will she end up in the ER, will she be chased by some creep, will she meet the man of her dreams. Tune in next time for the shocking conclusion of ... * dum, dum, duuuuuummmm *...... Salsa: To Dip or Not To Dip (Part II)

Social Anxiety & Depression