4000 Questions: Question #9: What is your saddest memory?

Wow, what a difficult one.

I can't really think of one individual moment. I've had a few sad things happen to me indirectly such as family members passing away. Other than when I was dealing with depression, I can't really think of anything.

Depression isn't just sadness it is a deep, aching in your core. That is the best way I can describe it. It feels like the center of your chest is going to implode. I remember crying a lot when I was in high school when I was alone in my room but not because anything truly was sad going on in my life, which was part of the problem. I had nothing to be depressed about. I had everything I needed & much of what I wanted. I had great friends. A great family. I belonged to a great church. But that just makes it worse. I would think, "What do I have to be depressed about?" & that just made me feel guilty for feeling the way I did which, in turn, made me feel more depressed. "I must really be screwed up. How selfish am I really?" were common thoughts.

Sadness is a real odd emotion for me even though I've had lots of practice with depression, but like I said sadness & depression are two completely different emotions. I'm very odd & I often wonder if something really is wrong with me. I can cry like a baby while watching a movie or even in church sometimes but at a funeral of a close loved one, I can't shed a tear no matter how much I try. When my young cousin died, I really tried to cry at her funeral. I couldn't. I was so worried people would wonder, "How callous is she!?" Stories, songs, movies, no problemo. A funeral, where you are supposed to cry, forget it. I've talked to my mom about this once & she said that some people just mourn differently. Maybe, but I still feel like a freak. Maybe it has to do with the way I react to stressful situations. I tend to "leave my body" & become "possessed" but some calm, controlled creature. There have been times when I was in an extremely stressful situation (i.e. piano concert, my dad being nearly bitten by a rattlesnake) where I even blacked out & did not remember doing the things people said I did (I didn't do weird things, I was very calm & responded in such a calm matter that it caught people off guard). Maybe my morning has something to do with that.

Well, I've gone on long enough. I'm about an hour late getting to bed & I still have to throw my clothes in the dryer, start the dish washer, & read my bible. Have a great day. I hope it is happier than this question. :)