Thursday, July 16, 2009

I'm loosing ground & loosing control

I just weighed tonight &, as expected, the out come is not good. No surprise there. Granted I am on my "girly time" & last week I was as sick as a dog & still coughing quite a bit but, let's be honest, I'm sucking big time. Eating is out of control & exercise has been non-existant. I have been struggling since Christmas &, since April, it has just gotten worse.

I feel gross, my clothes that were getting big are now fitting, & I'm not feeling as comfortable & confident as I was. I'm depressed & I hate myself for it. How did I let myself fall back into these patterns & why can't I stop myself?!

I have two weeks before Kim's wedding to get myself back into feeling better & loose at least 5 lbs. Next week won't be too difficult since I don't have any meetings or plans during the middle of the week so I plan on killing it on the eliptical for an hour Mon-Thurs. Thursday I'll be going home to the parents for about 10 days for the wedding & week-before-preparations. That will be a little more tricky. I tend to get lax when I'm at my parents. I still plan on exercising while I'm there. I have my kettlebell & I need to get back into running. It is in the 100's here in TX right now so running outside is not that safe so I'll have to get my butt out of bed early to beat the sun's rays.

The other problem is I may have to deal with people "encourageing me" or suggesting I eat right or exercise. That is NEVER the best way to deal with me on anything. If I even suspect you are mentioning anything about exercise or food to me, I rebel & either eat as much as I can or do as little physical movement as possible. When someone even asks me if I want to go for a walk with them, it translates in my mind as "You are so enourmousely fat. You aren't worthy." I know this is a mental issure with me but still that is how my mind works.

I hate running but it is one of the cheapest & easiest (easy as in you can do it pretty much anywhere & it requires no equipment) forms of exercise around. I do have a couple of motivations to get back into it though. I have a friend who's father told me that she is planning on coming to Dallas in December for a 5K. I would love to do it with her & that gives me pleanty of time to get back into it. Also, another friend of mine has a friend that wants to do a triathlon with three people, meaning, each person does one of the events. My friend wants me to do it with them. I have the choice to either run or bike. Since, I haven't done much biking, I'll probably choose to do the running. So, I guess it is back to it. I'll pretty much be starting the Couch-to-5K over again since I haven't run since April.

Oh, well, this is a lifestyle not a diet, right? Ugh, still, SO frustrating!


jinxxxygirl said...

I'm so sorry your struggling sweety. I'm afraid thats part of the journey too. The ups and downs. Over the last couple of months i've put some pounds back on too. And i'm not very happy about it.For me its night time eating. I need to just go to bed! Just don't you quit girl. You don't fail unless you quit. Remember that! We have to learn how to coexist with the food we love.
Running.....I can't say i LOVE running. So many people do though. I LIKE running. I don't MIND running but LOVE? Umm no...But it is a very good means to an end. It is a good way to burn alot of calories in a short amount of time. And like you said requires very little equipment. Stair climbing burns alot fast too. Got any stairs? :) Thank goodness for my health club membership this summer or i would be in a world of hurt. I run on the tread mill with the thermostat at 68 degrees with a fan blowing on me. AAaahhh..... But really i can't wait until fall when i can get back out on the road. :) Hang in there Kristea. This too shall pass.......and the stars will reallign and you'll be back on the wagon. JInx!

Nat said...

My mom does the same, where she tries to 'advise' me when I am struggling. 'You need an evening walk sweetheart' isn't addressing my problem.

google 'the next 100 pounds', there is this opera singer who has a weight loss blog that I find inspirational and hysterical, I highly recommend her!

Since Monday I've dropped 6 of the seven pounds I gained in New York, and it's not even official weigh in day yet. I feel more optimistic after being on plan 2 or 3 days in a row.

Something else I didn't mention is that I feel so disconnected from the WL community. The friendship connections I had on yt are almost nonexistant now and I am so bummed about it. Being an active participant in the community kept me happy and motivated, and i'm trying to think of how I can reintegrate.. maybe starting fresh with a new channel? I don't know yet.

kris_tea said...

Nat, my mom is great & very supportive & I know that when she or any one else makes those suggestions they are just trying to help & encourage me & not be a bad example but my jacked up mind twists things around. I have never been one who likes to be told what to do. If someone tells me what to do I tend to do the opposite, no matter if the original thing was something I wanted to do or not.

This weight loss thing is a very personal & internal struggle. If I do something because someone suggested it or told me to do it, it is taking the responsibility off of me, once again & placing it on them. I never learn anything.

I know what you mean about being disconnected with the WC on YT. I haven't watched videos in forever & I have only made one or two in the last month or so. I'm just not into it as much as I was. I think I just became overwhelmed. Granted life has been crazy lately but I also wanted to focus on some other areas of my life that I have been neglecting & had lately been feeling convicted that those areas should be the next ground I cover. I still feel that way but I also can't let the areas that I have improved on slip. I think I need to come up with some sort of schedule. Something like an hour of exercise a day, an hour of YT, an hour to my spiritual pursuits, 15 min to cleaning & the rest to entertainment (ie, blogging, TV, video games, etc...). Maybe I'll work on coming up with something next week.

kris_tea said...

Jinx, I won't quit. I've come too far & I know I can do it & will do it, it is just a slump in my motivation. My eating problem comes from boredom. Not really cause I have nothing to do but because I just feel like eating, even though I'm not hungry, & it is rarely anything that tasty anyway. I feel like I'm getting back at it mentally, at least after writing about it last night & talking to you guys. Sometimes, at work, I force myself to eat because I think, "I need to eat now because I may not get a chance later." It is true that I may not get a chance but I always keep a granola bar in my locker so if I really needed something it is there. However, last night, I wasn't hungry & I told myself I wasn't going to eat until I was. Granted, when I was hungry I wasn't able to get anything but it was only 30 min before I was set to get off work & then, what is the point, that is almost time when I usually have my next meal, so I could wait. So, I feel better & more motivated after that good decision last night.

LOL Yeah, I'll get back on that wagon. I feel after my sis's wedding, things will get a lot better. I feel like I have been using that as a bit of an excuse not to go full force if nothing more than mentally. After that I won't have any excuse, it will be eyes on the prize, full force till 2010. I want to be at goal by the new year.